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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25708054">Cut Strings</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuusei_teki_na_koe/pseuds/chuusei_teki_na_koe'>chuusei_teki_na_koe</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lightposts [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Persona 5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Daddy Issues, Depression, Gen, M/M, PTSD, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts, Very unprofessional counseling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:21:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,193</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25708054</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chuusei_teki_na_koe/pseuds/chuusei_teki_na_koe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Goro Akechi is really the last person Takuto ever wanted to see show up in his cab. But he's never been one for denying anyone help, even the very person who is literally to blame for fucking up everything Takuto ever cared about.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akechi Goro &amp; Maruki Takuto, Akechi Goro/Shido Masayoshi, Background Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Lightposts [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1861186</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>162</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cut Strings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Some people have accused me of writing Shido/Akechi that is not exploitative, but I'm here to say that this fic is definitely exploitative. It's just, y'know, my kink is sensitive exploration of psychological trauma alongside fucky daddy porn.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Where can I take you, sir?”</p><p>“Your place. Your shift is almost done, right?”</p><p>Takuto didn't realize who was sitting in his cab until he heard that voice, and his eyes flicked into the rear-view mirror to see a face that he hadn't seen in about three years.</p><p>He looked older and more filled out. He was still pretty for a man, and his hair had grown out a bit, tied into a short ponytail, but he had more in the shoulders, and he looked like an adult instead of a kid.</p><p>His eyes were the same, though. Takuto quickly looked away, facing back to the road.</p><p>“...Long time no see,” Takuto said after a long pause. “Can I ask what brings you to me? I assume you were looking for me,” he said, but with that one glance earlier, he already had a vague idea of what it was, and he wasn't looking forward to it.</p><p>“Just wanted to talk. Take me back to your place.”</p><p>Takuto sighed. He could complain about the lack of notice, but he knew that Goro Akechi was this kind of person.</p><p>Takuto drove back to his own seedy apartment just outside of Tokyo—this was a company cab, but he was driving the next morning, too, and nobody else needed to use it that night, so he was allowed to just take it home from time to time. Akechi didn't say anything on the way, just followed him up the apartment steps and into his little 1LDK.</p><p>Takuto noticed Akechi taking a sweeping glance of his apartment, but there wasn't much to see. There was a bit of junk scattered on the kitchen table, but Takuto never made that much of a mess—he didn't mind cleaning, it put him in a good mood.</p><p>“Sorry it's so small. Can I get you a drink?”</p><p>“I'm fine,” Akechi said, but Takuto opened the fridge anyway. He knew Akechi never said what he wanted, and he knew what Akechi actually wanted, so he pulled a can of tonic water and some juice out of the fridge, then went to the cabinet and got a bottle for himself, mixing some drinks for both of them, taking two glasses and the bottle of vodka over to the living room coffee table and setting them down. He took a seat on the easy chair, gesturing for Akechi to take a seat on the couch to his right.</p><p>Akechi did not comment on having been offered alcohol he hadn't asked for—he just drank it.</p><p>Takuto drank down half his glass—there was three shots in it, and he was going to need far more before this night was over—and set it back on the table, leaning back in the easy chair to take a good look at Akechi.</p><p>It had been three years since Takuto Maruki had been attached to the collective unconscious, and things weren't quite the same now as they had been back then. Being connected to Adam Kadamon had been like being connected to the universe—he'd been aware of everything at once, parsing more than the human mind could really comprehend. He'd had the desires of humanity at his fingertips, he'd known the minds of every person in this country.</p><p>After it had all ended, he'd lost most of that—there was no way he could hold on to that universe inside his head.</p><p>But it wasn't fully gone. Whenever Takuto looked at someone, it would bubble up like memories—all their desires and wishes, their distortions, the worlds they had inside their minds. The longer he looked, the more he would delve in, until he was completely lost in that person's inner world. He theorized he was probably still connected to the collective unconscious in a way—maybe everyone was, and it was just that now that his eyes had been opened, he couldn't close them anymore.</p><p>So he'd quit being a counselor, and taken a job where he had a good excuse to not ever look at another human being up close again. It was easier when he was keeping his eyes on the road.</p><p>“I've quit being a counselor, you know,” Takuto broke the silence as he looked at Akechi. “But I'll make an exception for you.”</p><p><em>Fix me,</em> a demanding voice was whispering in his ear. <em>I need you to fix me.</em></p><p>“Why would you look for my help now when you turned it down before?” That came out more bitter than Takuto had intended. He sighed, reached out for his drink, downed all the rest.</p><p>“When did I say I was looking for your help?” Akechi snapped, folding his arms over himself.</p><p>“Aha,” Takuto laughed, setting down his glass. When the hell was this alcohol going to kick in? “Forgive me. It's just, that's not what your subconscious is saying to me.” When Akechi's brows furrowed, Takuto continued, “I'm still...connected to everything,” he tapped his own forehead. “Of course, I knew all your desires before, too. It's not as organized anymore, but when I look at you, I can get a sense of what's going on in your mind.”</p><p>“You can read my mind?” Akechi visibly tensed, and Takuto could feel his fear.</p><p>“Not exactly. I can't hear every thought you have. Just the strongest desires. Some memories. I can see your persona, you know. It's not gone away.” Hereward sometimes appeared as a faint outline near Akechi. Takuto had seen him lightly shoving Akechi out of the taxi cab, guiding him up into Takuto's apartment.</p><p>Akechi remained tense, but he also seemed curious. “Really? What about the rest of the Metaverse, then?”</p><p>“It all still exists, of course. It always has, always will. But that's not what you came here for, right? So why don't you tell me.”</p><p>“Don't you already know?”</p><p>“I do, but for talk therapy to work, you have to talk.”</p><p>Akechi clicked his tongue and looked to the side, but didn't speak.</p><p>“Finish off your drink, that'll help,” Takuto gestured to the glass on the table.</p><p>“...Is that legitimate professional advice?” Akechi said sarcastically, but he picked up the drink.</p><p>“No.” Takuto shook his head. “I told you, I'm not a counselor anymore. Do you know what it's like to stare into someone's eyes and see all their deepest trauma and be unable to do anything about it? And I <em>did.</em> I <em>had</em> fixed it before, until <em>you</em> came and fucked everything up.”</p><p>...He hadn't meant to say all that, but now that it was all out, well, might as well keep going. The vodka was starting to hit and take the edge off, at least. “...There's someone very important to me who has been destroyed by what you did. And I...I don't think I'll ever forgive you.” Rumi was back to how she'd been before—her perfect marriage had fallen apart. Her husband still visited her sometimes, but he'd ended the marriage, understandably so. Takuto visited her regularly—but when he did, he didn't look at her. He'd made the mistake of doing that, once, and he would never do it again.</p><p>“Oh, boo-hoo,” Akechi rolled his eyes, took a gulp of his drink, and set it back on the table. “I'm so hurt that you're never going to like me. Sorry I ruined your sick world of mind control.”</p><p>Takuto's eyes narrowed. Akechi really was as hostile as he was playing it, there. He genuinely hated Takuto, and well, Takuto had expected as much.</p><p>“All right, I know you don't care about me and my problems,” Takuto said as he leaned forward to pick up the bottle of vodka and just pour himself some straight. “Though I care about you and yours—a lot, actually. It would be a lot easier if I could just hate you.” He took a little sip of the vodka. He wanted just to throw this whole thing back at once, but experience told him that would probably lead to puking. “I looked deeply into all of the Phantom Thieves, of course. I wanted to make sure you were all happy. But the problem was that you don't want to be happy.”</p><p>Akechi folded his arms again and looked down at the table. It wasn't like he could deny it.</p><p>“Did Kurusu put you up to this?” Takuto asked. “Coming to me for counseling, I mean.”</p><p>“Akira doesn't know about this,” Akechi said, turning his head away, and Takuto noted the use of Kurusu's first name. Back in Takuto's reality, he'd known there was something between the two of them—Kurusu's most fervent desire had been to have him back, after all, though Akechi's desires had not matched his—his top three then had been to escape this reality, to see his father dead, and to die, in that order. This was why Takuto had fulfilled none of those wishes—they just weren't on the table.</p><p>Kurusu had wanted wholeheartedly to stay in that reality, and it had been entirely Akechi who had forced his hand and made him refuse. It had been quite apparent to Takuto that Kurusu was in love with Akechi, but the question as to if those feelings were returned had been up in the air.</p><p>Now, looking at him, it was apparent that they were. Akechi's current most fervent desire was to be with Kurusu. He most certainly wouldn't admit that, though.</p><p>This ability to read people could be annoying in that it wouldn't fill in the gaps for him, though. “But this does have to do with him,” he pressed.</p><p>“What does it matter?”</p><p>“It matters because I need to know what you want out of this. What your goals are, so I can help you accomplish them.”</p><p>Akechi was silent a while, and Takuto waited for him.</p><p>“...All right, fine,” he said, after a long silence. “Akira dumped me because I refused to get help. It's not like I'm interested in crawling back to him—” the most blatant lie Takuto had heard all year—“but I was curious to see if any of you headshrinker types do anything useful at all. And it's not like there's any other shrink I can talk about my...<em>history</em> with, if I want to be believed.”</p><p>Well, even if worded in the most defensive manner possible, at least Takuto was getting somewhere. “Have you ever seen a counselor or therapist before?”</p><p>“No. I was never a troublemaker,” Akechi shook his head.</p><p>Unsurprising. If a kid never acted out, everyone would assume he was okay, even if it was a widely-known fact that children in care were, across the board, not.</p><p>“Well, I hope I can be a good first experience for you,” Takuto said with a nod, and from the way the room tilted slightly, it seemed the booze was finally starting to kick in.</p><p>“You're saying it like you're about to fuck me,” Akechi said dryly, leaning back to cross one leg over the other.</p><p>“I—” Takuto blushed, then pulled his lips into a frown. “That's not what I mean, no.” He cleared his throat. “Well, do you mind me asking why Kurusu wanted you to get help?” Takuto could think of about a dozen reasons, but might as well let Akechi bring up the first.</p><p>Akechi scowled, then leaned forward and picked up his drink from the table, downed the rest of it, and slumped back into the couch. “Because I want to die, basically.”</p><p>This wasn't news to Takuto. “Why?”</p><p>Akechi looked down, uncrossed his legs, crossed them the other way, then folded his arms and looked away. He didn't say anything for a solid three minutes, at which point, Takuto just silently went to the kitchen to get the both of them another drink, and when he came back, he handed one to Akechi. Akechi didn't look thrilled, but he drank it all down without another word.</p><p>“I get the feeling this is ragingly unprofessional of you,” Akechi said dryly as he set down the empty glass.</p><p>“If you want professional, go to someone else,” Takuto snapped, harsher than he'd meant. He was getting drunk enough that he wasn't really able to restrain his general anger toward Goro Akechi. “I'm way too tired to spend a series of sessions gradually getting you to page one because you're pathologically incapable of talking about your feelings. I can't do this sober. So you might as well drink too, and make it easier for the both of us.” He downed half his own drink and set it on the table. “Not to mention that I'm doing this for free, just because of our particular...relationship. Normally, I'd charge about ten thousand yen an hour, you know.”</p><p>Akechi snorted, then broke into a smirk. Maybe he was just glad to see Takuto was as miserable as he was. “I'll give you some money for the booze. It remains to be seen if your time is worth more than that.”</p><p>Takuto clicked his tongue. “So then since I know you hate chit-chat, allow me to get to the point. How about you tell me why you want to die.”</p><p>Akechi looked away again, over at Takuto's bookshelf by the wall. “It's not really any reason. I've just always felt that way, since I was a kid.”</p><p>“Do you remember the first time you thought you wanted to die?” Takuto asked him.</p><p>“...Not really, no. I think I was ten or something. I don't really remember.”</p><p>“What sort of things upset you, then?”</p><p>Akechi shifted in his seat again, leaning against the arm of the couch. “I don't know. I don't have a very good memory, honestly. I don't think about the past much.” He considered a while, then said, “I mean, I hated the other kids at the home I was at. I didn't have any friends. But it was just stuff like that. There was this one bully who beat me up a couple times, I really hated his guts. I wanted to join an after school club, but I couldn't, and I was mad about that. That was the kind of thing I thought about.”</p><p>“You didn't think about your parents?” Takuto was aware of the broad strokes of Akechi's life, and he knew that he had lost his mother when he was around nine.</p><p>“I...” He pressed a hand to his mouth, and seemed to be thinking. “I don't think so. I was mad about being in a home, and I preferred living with my mom, but I didn't think about her. I even remember thinking the food at the care home was better than the convenience store dinners I'd gotten at home.” He laughed, running a hand through his hair. “Wow, I was already a little shit, huh? I don't even remember crying. I hardly remember her at all.”</p><p>Looking at Akechi through lowered lids, Takuto could see vague, blurry memories, a woman who hardly had a face, other children who were also equally faceless. Akechi really couldn't remember.</p><p>“Memory loss is a common response to trauma, especially in children,” Takuto said, folding his hands in front of him. “It's quite likely that you did cry, and then forgot about it. It doesn't mean you loved her any less.”</p><p>Akechi looked like he'd been struck, eyes widening, and then his gaze dropped to the floor. “I don't know. I guess,” he muttered.</p><p>“Have you ever had memories of that time resurface?” Takuto asked him.</p><p>“I mean,” Akechi leaned his chin on his hand on the arm of the couch, “I've had a few dreams, I guess. But that's not usually what I dream about.”</p><p>“What do you usually dream about?”</p><p>Akechi stared at the wall as he replied, “These days? The Metaverse. Battle. Getting hit and knowing an enemy is coming, bleeding out and feeling like I'm about to die.”</p><p>“And how do those dreams make you feel?”</p><p>Akechi's gaze flicked to him, then back at the wall. “Terrified. It's funny, I was never scared, back then. But I get scared, dreaming about it. I feel like it'd be easier if I could just die in those dreams instead.”</p><p>Takuto relaxed into his chair. Akechi was being surprisingly cooperative. Booze-fueled therapy was great, clearly more people should try it. “Do you ever experience this sort of thing while you're awake?”</p><p>Akechi lifted his head off his chin, sitting up straighter. “...Not that often.”</p><p>“But it does happen?”</p><p>Akechi sighed, leaning back against the couch. “I hate taking the train. I think you'll understand why.”</p><p>“I can't say I enjoy taking the train these days, either,” Takuto said with a sigh.</p><p>“I don't know why the hell it bothers me now,” Akechi said, shaking his head, then pressing one hand to his forehead. It seemed the booze was getting to him. “I fucking loved it, then. I loved fighting, I loved being in the Metaverse. I honestly wish I could go back.”</p><p>“Just to the Metaverse? Or to that time in your life?”</p><p>“...To that time in my life,” Akechi said, after some hesitation.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Why wouldn't I want to go back?” he said angrily, smacking the table in front of him. “I could do whatever I wanted in the Metaverse, I was completely free. I was a star on TV. I had money, I had fans who were crazy about me. I had <em>everything.</em>”</p><p>“Really?” Takuto blinked, a little surprised. “Were you happier then?”</p><p>Akechi hesitated, then said, “...I don't know. What does it matter if I'm happy or not? At least my life meant something, then.”</p><p>“...You mean revenge.”</p><p>“Yes, that's exactly what I mean. I knew what I wanted and how to get it.”</p><p>Takuto looked down at the table, then back up at Akechi. “How did it first start? Coming into your abilities, I mean. I must confess, I have personal curiosity in that area.”</p><p>“Oh, that?” Akechi looked to the side with a bitter smile. “When I was fifteen, I made some attempts to look for my father. I thought if I got him to acknowledge me, I could get out of the foster family I was living with then. I figured—if I wasn't a burden, if I took care of myself and worked to pay for everything, there was no way he wouldn't just let me live with him.” He laughed, and it wasn't a nice one. “I was so fucking naive.”</p><p>“So then what happened?”</p><p>“I found him.” Akechi leaned back, folding his arms. “I saw him appear briefly on TV, and that was when I first felt Robin Hood. I remember thinking, <em>I'm going to make him take me, </em>and I heard Robin Hood's voice, saying he would grant my wish.” He shook his head. “What a load of shit that was.”</p><p>“Well, he did take you, in a way,” Takuto pointed out. “So what happened then?”</p><p>“I fell into Mementos by chance, where I manifested Robin Hood. And once that happened, I started exploring regularly—it was like a crazy adventure then, I was so excited about it.” Akechi was smiling as he remembered. “I felt like, this was it, I'd been chosen to do great things. And then when this researcher approached me—her name was Wakaba Isshiki—it was like something out of an anime.”</p><p>“Wakaba Isshiki,” Maruki muttered. He knew the name, of course—he was familiar with the names of everyone in the field, and more to the point, he was aware that was the name of Futaba Sakura's mother. “How did she find you?”</p><p>Akechi shrugged. “I don't know. I never questioned it at the time, and she just told me her research involved detection in the Metaverse. But after meeting her daughter, I'm quite convinced she used her somehow in her research in order to find me, or people like me.”</p><p>That would have been...highly unethical, but given what he knew through the academic grapevine about Isshiki, he wasn't surprised. She had been known for being ruthlessly ambitious. And looking inside Futaba Sakura's head, Maruki had seen clear evidence of cognitive tampering. Hearing it spelled out like this, though, made him frown. “I think you're right. That's about the only way she could have searched the Metaverse—by going through a persona-user.”</p><p>Akechi nodded. “So she found me and roped me into her research. She was obsessed with the idea of generating multiple personas, and she said I had the ability to manifest more.” He snorted. “Knowing what I know now, though, she was barking entirely up the wrong tree. Clearly, she should have just told me to go make friends instead of poking around inside my head.”</p><p>“What did she do, exactly?”</p><p>“Mostly? She had me go into the Metaverse to explore and record my findings. It was around that time that I decided to approach Shido and tell him about my abilities—I stole some of Isshiki's research and forged a letter of recommendation to give myself some legitimacy and prove that I wasn't a loony. Shido was still small-time then.”</p><p>“Why not tell him you were his son?”</p><p>Akechi looked away. “...I thought, I'd prove to him I can do a good job, and then once he sees what I can do, he wouldn't be able to turn me down. I figured I could use the Metaverse to get information he could use to his advantage, for political maneuvering, blackmail, whatever.”</p><p>Takuto leaned back in his chair, folding his hands in front of him. “So you didn't intend to kill anyone, originally?”</p><p>“...No.” Akechi looked down at the table for a long moment. “It was just information, at first. But then Shido got his own cognitive researchers on board, and they started trying to get me to do other things.”</p><p>“Things like?”</p><p>Akechi smiled wryly. “A persona manifests at a time of psychological stress. So they tried to stress me. There was a lot of—back and forth between those researchers and Isshiki. She didn't care that they were fucking me up, of course,” he waved a dismissive hand, “she'd never given two shits about me. She just didn't want her little guinea pig getting poached. And she was <em>so</em> stubborn. She wouldn't give it up, and <em>I </em>was the one getting shit for turning my back on her research, even though I'd never gotten a damn thing out of it. She was planning on exposing all of us. So Shido asked me to go into her palace and erase her shadow.”</p><p>“She did have a palace, then?” Taking a good look at Akechi, Takuto saw his memory—a coliseum, and a shadow of a beastlike woman warrior. Professionally speaking, it was fascinating.</p><p>“Oh yes, it was the real deal. The first palace I ever went through, and a real bitch. I nearly died about a dozen times,” Akechi said casually like it was nothing.</p><p>“Did you know what erasing her shadow would do?”</p><p>“I—” Akechi frowned and looked down. “No. I was just that fucking naive. I didn't understand that was the plan. I had the idea that it would just like—knock her out or something, or make her give up, I don't know.” Then he laughed. “I think I really knew, though, deep down. I clearly didn't care that much.”</p><p>Takuto frowned, but then asked, “So then what happened after that?”</p><p>Akechi looked up at him and narrowed his eyes, giving him an evaluating look. “Is this therapy, or are you just grilling me because <em>you</em> want to know this stuff?”</p><p>“Aha, you caught me,” Takuto laughed, taking a drink from his glass on the table. “I'm drunk, and I got distracted. But it is helpful for me to know this, too.”</p><p>“Yeah, sure.” Akechi rolled his eyes.</p><p>“How did it make you feel to know that you'd killed her, though?”</p><p>Akechi didn't answer right away, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and looking at his empty glass on the table.</p><p>Takuto leaned forward, looking closely at him.</p><p>“...It was just like killing any other shadow. I felt like I'd defeated a powerful boss. It felt like victory. It was a total rush.” Akechi turned to him with a bitter smile that slowly turned harder. “I'd hated her, and it felt good to see her go down.”</p><p>“When you fought that battle, though, you didn't necessarily know the consequences,” Takuto pointed out. “What about when you found out she was dead? How did it feel?”</p><p>Akechi's eyes turned flat, looking across the room at nothing. “I don't think I felt anything.”</p><p>Takuto didn't think that was true, but it wasn't like he could just say that. Well, maybe he should ask a different question. “What was Shido's reaction to this, when you went back to him after erasing her shadow?”</p><p>Akechi kept staring at nothing a while, then shifted position, leaning back against the couch, then leaned forward again. He started fidgeting with his hands, lacing and unlacing his fingers. “He was pleased.”</p><p>“Oh? Then it would have been a good opportunity to tell him you were his son.”</p><p>“No. That was—off the table. He wouldn't—” Akechi gulped, then scowled. “By that point, I didn't want to tell him anymore. Not—not yet.”</p><p>“What changed your mind?”</p><p>Akechi's hand came up, biting into the leather of his glove. Belatedly, Takuto realized his hands were shaking. By the time his eyes glazed over, Takuto was already sucked into it, with no way of getting out.</p><p>x x x</p><p>Shido looked up when Goro walked into his office, then back down at his papers. “You're late.”</p><p>“Sorry, sir,” Goro apologized as he shut the door behind him, smothering his building irritation. <em>Sorry I was late because I almost got killed running your fucking errand</em>, he thought. “It was more difficult than expected.”</p><p>Shido sighed, then leaned back in his chair. “Well at least you finally listened to me and came in decent clothes.”</p><p>Goro's eye twitched. “Well, I have the money for it now.” He'd recently paid to have all his school uniforms tailored, and to buy brand-name street clothes. He'd done a bunch of research about coordination online, and picked out a look that was appropriate to his ends.</p><p>“Don't let it slide again,” Shido said with a scowl. “You absolutely humiliated me the last time, coming in here looking like some street kid. You're better than that trash, so dress like it. The first thing <em>anyone</em> judges you on is looks. The suit makes the man, as they say.” He patted the lapel of his own suit, then stood up, circling his desk to stand in front of Goro. He reached out to finger Goro's hair. “Still didn't get a damn haircut, though.”</p><p>“I <em>did</em> get a haircut,” Goro said crisply, pulling away from his grip with a shiver. He had a cold feeling in his gut about the look in Shido's eyes. It wasn't the first time he'd seen Shido looking at him like that. “This is a popular style right now.”</p><p>“It makes you look like a girl.”</p><p>Goro frowned, but Shido didn't push it, instead leaning back against his desk. “But have it your way. That's not what we're here to talk about. I want to talk about your next target.”</p><p>“...Target, sir?” Goro said slowly.</p><p>“Yeah, since you did such a good job taking out Isshiki.”</p><p>Goro's throat went dry. He'd heard from the scientists about what had happened to Isshiki afterward.</p><p>“Tell me, Akechi—how did it feel?”</p><p>Goro's eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“To kill her, I mean.” The pupils of Shido's eyes were widening, a small and nigh-imperceptible smile on his lips. “Was she a wild bitch? The scientists told me she was strong.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Goro said with a nod. “It was an incredible fight. I've never fought any shadow like hers.” A slow smile spread across his face, remembering.</p><p>“Ha-ha, I knew it,” Shido clapped a hand on his shoulder and left it there, leaning in close to him. “You're a ruthless little bastard, aren't you? Like me. You're the type who's born for this kind of work. I figured you already knew it'd kill her, so I didn't bother saying. You're smart enough.”</p><p><em>(Hadn't he known, really? When her shadow had begged for her life? How could he </em>not<em> have known? Ultimately, he'd still shot a woman in the head.)</em></p><p>“Yeah,” Goro raised his hand up to tuck his hair behind his ear. “Of course I knew. It was just what was required.” He shrugged. “I never liked that bitch anyway.”</p><p>Shido snorted. “Right? There's nothing more satisfying than putting a bitch in her place.” He released Goro's shoulder and leaned back against his desk. “Most people, Akechi, they never know that kind of pleasure because they're too scared. They want it—everyone wants it—but none of them have the balls to go out and take it. You know what I'm talking about, boy?”</p><p>Goro shifted uncomfortably in his place, looking at Shido cautiously. “You're talking about killing?”</p><p>“Not just that,” Shido pushed off the desk again, and stepped forward, too close to him for comfort. His eyes raked Goro from top to bottom, lingering on the ass of his fitted slacks. “I'm talking about giving in to your animalistic instincts. The desire to be on top, to make others submit to your will. I can see that in you. That's why you like this work. You're into the power.”</p><p>Goro didn't reply immediately, just looking back at Shido, measuring his response. “Yes, I suppose I am.”</p><p>Shido cocked his head at him, looking down at him with a smirk, then reached up to Goro's shoulder again. His hand squeezed, thumb stroking over his sweater vest. “You want to know what real power is all about?”</p><p>Goro didn't dare look away from his eyes. He knew there was no right answer to this question.</p><p>Shido didn't wait for his answer, anyway.</p><p>“Take your belt off.”</p><p>When Goro didn't comply, Shido reached forward and started undoing it himself, and Goro just stood there and let it happen. It was funny how he hadn't expected this. It wasn't even like this was the first time something like this had happened, but he still hadn't been expecting it. Not from Shido.</p><p>Why had Goro ever gotten his hopes up?</p><p>“Akechi, let me tell you something,” Shido began, his tone conversational, “if you want to get anywhere in this world, you need to learn how to control people. I've got what you want, so you're going to do what I say. And it's not like this is a bad deal for you, either—you're getting a big fat paycheck out of this, aren't you? Who got you this belt, these nice new clothes, that new apartment? Without me, you'd be dressing like a homeless brat. You need me.”</p><p>Shido moved onto his fly, yanking it down as he shoved his hands up under Goro's dress shirt. Goro made no move to stop him. He didn't do anything.</p><p>“C'mon, down over the desk,” Shido said, grabbing Goro by the shoulder and shoving him down heedlessly over some paperwork, then yanking his pants and underwear down together. Goro heard the sound of Shido undoing his own belt behind him, pulling down his fly, and rubbing himself to hardness. “This always hurts at first, but you can take a little pain, right?” Goro heard the sound of him spitting, and then something hot and large was pressing against his entrance.</p><p>Goro yelled when Shido shoved inside, it felt like something ripping into him. His experience with anal had been—limited. Cautious. He'd never had anyone just shove into him unprepared. The other time—it had just been this boy at that one institution who had come around and gotten him to suck his dick. It had happened a few times—Goro thought maybe the caregivers had been aware of it, they'd split the two of them up fairly quickly. It had been over quickly.</p><p>“Shut up, do you want the whole building hearing?” Shido snapped, and Goro complied, biting his lips shut. “That's a good boy. Hnn,” he groaned, his cock moving in and out of Goro's hole at a leisurely pace, one hand resting on Goro's hip, another on his shoulder. “You're tight as fuck. You're not a virgin, are you?”</p><p>“...No,” Goro managed to grit out as Shido's cock thrust in, all the way to the hilt. Tears sprung to his eyes, but he held it back.</p><p>“Yeah, figured as much. You know all about giving into your instincts,” Shido said, hand coming around to rest over Goro's ass before winding up to give him a slap. Goro twitched. “Jerk yourself off. Go on.”</p><p>Goro did as he was told, pulling one hand off the desk to start jerking his cock. It was like he didn't even have enough brain function for anything else, he was running on autopilot. Despite the burning pain in his ass, he found himself quickly getting hard.</p><p>“Yeah, that's it,” Shido said, grabbing his hand that was jerking himself off by the wrist, then his other wrist from the desk, drawing both his arms back to yank towards himself as he pushed his hips forward, and Goro moaned. “You're a fucking natural, boy. Fighting and fucking and killing—it's all the same thing, the survival game. Like lions on the savanna.”</p><p>Lions on the savanna. For some reason, Goro's mind focused on that image. It was better than focusing on his own dick, rock-hard and dripping precum on the floor. He could feel his ass clenching reflexively around Shido's cock, over and over, as if it were trying to swallow it up.</p><p>“You want to cum, don't you? My cock makes you want it,” Shido growled as his hips slammed forward, pressing flush against Goro's ass, hitting somewhere deep inside him that made him see stars. “I can feel your ass begging for it.”</p><p>Goro's hips jerked of their own accord, back arching slightly as he pressed his face down into the desk. It wasn't like he'd never fantasized about getting fucked like this. He'd thought about it a lot, in the privacy of the brand-new apartment Shido was paying for. His wrists in Shido's tight grip ached, and his asshole hurt worse, but he felt like he was right on the edge, and Shido's cock was taking him there.</p><p>“How does this make you feel?” Shido asked as his cock found its way even deeper in, hitting that spot over and over again until Goro was tearing up with the overstimulation.</p><p>“It's good...” Goro moaned, not even thinking about that answer. He just knew that was the answer Shido wanted.</p><p>“Beg,” Shido commanded, hands squeezing Goro's wrists. “Beg me to fuck you harder.”</p><p>Goro gasped, but didn't respond immediately.</p><p>He felt a hand slam down on his head, and one of his arms twisted painfully behind his back. Goro didn't cry out, clenching his teeth as Shido yanked him back by the hair. “I told you to beg.”</p><p>Goro felt his mind sliding sideways. This didn't feel real. Whatever came out of his mouth didn't matter—he'd say anything, and it didn't matter. But this—but this—</p><p>
  <em>A voice was screaming at him to fight, why aren't you doing anything? Why are you just lying back and taking it?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Goro didn't know. He didn't know.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But that voice grew distant, and then it was replaced by another voice—one more powerful, colder, that made him shiver like arctic ice. He felt a chilly arm around his shoulders, steadying him, bringing him back to himself, and frosted breath against his ear as it said, <b>call upon my name, and release thy rage</b>.</em>
</p><p>“No,” Goro rasped. “Fuck you.”</p><p>Shido pushed his arm up his back, making Goro moan in pain, but pain wasn't new to him, now. He could handle a little bit of pain just fine.</p><p>“Cheeky brat,” Shido said, maintaining his tight grip on Goro's arm, tugging his hair back harder. “Backtalking to me when you're this hard, just from my cock in your ass? Don't lie to yourself.” He slammed Goro's head back down on the desk, stunning him, but just for a moment. “But I like it when they fight. Makes it more worthwhile to win. Come on, show me a little struggle.”</p><p>Goro did, and he wasn't sure if he was struggling against Shido, or just obeying Shido's order to struggle. Right about at the point where he thought Shido might just dislocate his arm, Shido hit hard inside him again, and Goro cried out, his hips canting forward as his cock spurted white cum onto the floor, and Shido kept fucking him, laughing, “Yeah, you love it, you love a good fight as much as I do, fuck,” and then he was filling up Goro's ass with his hot load with a groan.</p><p>Shido pulled out, and gave Goro's as a little slap. “Clean up the floor. And clean yourself up. Unless you want to keep my cum in your ass that bad?”</p><p>Goro pushed himself off the desk, and was horrified to feel a hot, slick sensation sliding out of his ass and down his thigh. He had no choice but to do as told, grabbing some tissues from the desk to wipe his ass, then wiping the cum off the floor, too, before pulling up his pants, turning around to see Shido had already buckled up his belt and was circling back around to sit at his desk.</p><p>“What, you're still here? Here. Take this and handle it already,” Shido said, shoving some papers at him that Goro didn't even look at.</p><p>Shido looked at him, and then his face broke into a sharp grin. “Yeah, I like that look. It tells me you're a fighter, you hate to lose. I know I can expect good things from you. You're a cut above the usual trash. You'll enjoy this one.”</p><p>It was only then that Goro realized he was letting all his rage show on his face.</p><p>He took the papers from Shido. They contained information about the next person Shido wanted him to kill.</p><p>“There's good stuff waiting for you, once you handle that one,” Shido said. “You want to get on TV? You've got the face for it. I've got big plans for you.”</p><p><em>I'm going to fucking ruin you,</em> Goro thought, and the rage slid off his face to be replaced by a wide smirk. “Sounds good. I'll handle it, as long as you keep up your end of the deal,” he said, then turned around and walked out.</p><p>x x x</p><p>Takuto experienced a sensation of falling back into his chair as he fell out of Akechi's flashback, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth to keep from retching. By the time he'd gathered himself enough, he noticed Akechi staring at him.</p><p>“Did you see that?” Akechi asked him sharply. He was bouncing one knee, leaning forward as he laced and unlaced his gloved fingers. “Did you fucking read my mind just now?”</p><p>He must have figured that from Takuto's reaction. Takuto just nodded, hand still pressed over his mouth as he closed his eyes and forced his stomach to settle. This was half because he'd had so much to drink, but there was no helping that.</p><p>Akechi scowled, and then his lips broke into a cutting, malicious grin. “Well, don't you have a weak stomach. That was pretty fucking tame for Shido, honestly. Still gets me hard, though,” and he spread his legs, letting one hand drop down by his crotch to point out the erection straining at his pants. “Just thinking about it drives me fucking nuts.”</p><p>Takuto looked away. “A physical reaction isn't the same thing as consent.”</p><p>“Consent, yeah, whatever,” Akechi rolled his eyes and flopped back against the couch. “Like it even matters.”</p><p>“I don't think you actually believe that. He violated you. What he did was wrong, and you have a right to feel angry and hurt by it.”</p><p>“I'm not—” Akechi cut himself off, then sighed. “We all know Shido was a piece of shit who deserves to die. But—” He shook his head. “Whatever. There's no way you'd understand.”</p><p>“My job here is to try. Also,” Takuto added, “You forgot the mindreading? You can't accuse <em>me</em> of not understanding.”</p><p>Akechi scowled. “That's so fucking creepy.”</p><p>“You're free to leave at any time if it makes you too uncomfortable. I can't turn it off.”</p><p>Akechi glared at him, but didn't get up. He just folded his arms and glared off in the other direction. “He was a sadist and a tyrant and an all-around piece of shit. But...” his expression softened just slightly before transforming into something bitter. “he was capable of rising to the top. He had what it takes to get there. He wasn't just some—some deadbeat dad who was a shit to his family. He was <em>great,</em>” Akechi said, and he spat it like it was an insult, like he was angry about it, but his eyes were full of yearning.</p><p>“He was still an absolutely horrible person,” Takuto said firmly.</p><p>“So what?! So fucking what?! So am I!” Akechi yelled, smacking a hand to his chest. “I've done all the same shit, and worse! You know why I <em>really</em> wish I could go back to that time?” He leaned forward, glaring right at Takuto. “I fucking miss killing. I miss the power trip. I miss losing my mind in battle until the world goes blank and all I can think about is blood. I miss Shido tying me to his bed and fucking me until I can't think and strangling me until I pass out. And I think about it <em>all</em> the time, while I'm trying to pretend to everyone else that's not what goes on inside my head anymore. I <em>hate</em> everyone, I fantasize about murder on a daily basis, and nothing makes me harder than getting treated like a fucking piece of meat. I'm a murderer and a psychopath, and nothing you can do will ever fix me!”</p><p>Takuto looked away from his eyes. He was so done seeing any more from Goro Akechi that night. There wasn't enough alcohol in the world to make him want to take that into his heart. “You're not a psychopath. You're a victim of abuse.”</p><p>Akechi just laughed. “Oh yeah, like I haven't heard that before. But I got myself into all of that. I <em>chose</em> to kill for Shido because I liked it, because it suited my ends.”</p><p>“You didn't <em>choose</em> to have him rape you.”</p><p>Akechi's lips came together in a firm line, and he turned away. “...It was just a cost of doing business.”</p><p>“Tell me, Akechi,” Takuto said with a sigh, rubbing the side of his face. It was getting late. He was so tired. “If, at any point, you had decided you wanted to stop working for Shido and wanted to pull out, what would have happened to you?”</p><p>Akechi glared at him a moment, then looked away. “He would have had me killed.”</p><p>“Does that sound like a choice to you?”</p><p>Akechi looked down at his lap, expression growing harder. “...When I learned about the Phantom Thieves, I...I could have gone to them. I could have joined them to oppose Shido. So don't you fucking tell me I didn't have a choice,” he said, a wobble entering his voice.</p><p>“So then why didn't you join them?”</p><p>Akechi squeezed his hands in his lap, staring down at them. He was slowly cringing in on himself. “I thought...” he took a breath, but the words that came out next still sounded hoarse, “I thought they'd never accept me. Because I was too dirty.”</p><p>“You're not dirty, Akechi,” Takuto said in a soothing tone.</p><p>“How can you say that?!” Tears rolled down Akechi's cheeks as he sat hunched over, pressing his forehead into his tightly-clenched hands. “You know what's inside me, you can fucking see it. It's just sickness, all the way down. I'll never be good. I don't deserve...” his shoulders shook a moment, and Takuto let him gather himself, “I don't deserve Akira,” he sobbed. “He should have killed me back then. It would've been better for everyone.”</p><p>“Akechi...” Takuto covered his face with his hands, but by this point, just not looking wasn't enough to block everything Akechi was radiating. Even with his eyes closed, Takuto could see a blood-smeared figure sitting in front of him, dressed in that same gray-striped costume like a dark sentai hero, with claws for hurting instead of hands for holding.</p><p>And, more than anything, the vision that was clearest to Takuto was Akechi sitting at LeBlanc together with Kurusu and all the Phantom Thieves, laughing and fooling around together. That was his truest desire.</p><p>Takuto let Akechi finish crying before continuing. He picked up his glass off the table, but found it empty, and put it down. He should probably stop drinking, though, judging from the state of his stomach.</p><p>Takuto was well aware that untangling this kind of mindset would probably take years, if not decades, and Takuto wasn't even sure he'd be alive next week. God, he couldn't take much more of this. Before, it would have been so easy to just—make a little <em>twist—</em>and fix all the cognitive distortions inside his head. But Akechi had rejected all of that, and now he was making Takuto suffer for it, too.</p><p>And yet Takuto couldn't say no. He'd always been easily trampled by other people's feelings like this. When someone needed him, he couldn't turn them away. Maybe that was why he'd wound up in a relationship with someone as fragile as Rumi. He just couldn't fucking <em>turn it off.</em></p><p>Takuto wondered if maybe Goro Akechi was going to kill him for real, this time.</p><p>Takuto rubbed his face with both hands and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to clear his head somewhat before saying, “I can spend all night telling you that you're not a bad person, but you're not going to believe it. What I <em>can</em> tell you is that what you choose to do now is within your own power. You're not under the control of your abuser anymore—and Shido is an <em>abuser,</em> no matter what else you or anyone else may think of him—and you have a life with fresh choices. You can make good choices. You can do good things.”</p><p>Akechi didn't raise his head, leaving it resting on his clenched fists.</p><p>Takuto continued, “This all-or-nothing thinking—like either you're good or you're bad—do you think of anyone else that way? That they're all good, or all bad?”</p><p>“...No,” Akechi replied hoarsely, after a long pause.</p><p>“That's called a cognitive distortion, which I'm sure you're familiar with,” Takuto said dryly. “You're applying a far harsher judgment to yourself than anyone else. It's not rational, but it's understandable, for someone who has gone through experiences like yours. And you believe that because your <em>abuser</em> manipulated you into believing that about yourself because it served <em>his</em> interests.”</p><p>Akechi didn't reply, just expelling a long breath onto his hands.</p><p>Takuto couldn't hold back a yawn, looking over at the clock. It was almost one in the morning. Takuto wasn't sure how long they had been talking. “Look, the trains are going to stop soon. Maybe we should take a break. We can talk more later.”</p><p>Akechi finally lifted his head, wiping his face with one glove. “...Yeah.”</p><p>Takuto stood, swayed a little, but managed to stay steady, then ambled over to his bookshelf and pulled out a bunch of books on abuse recovery, complex PTSD, and depression, then dumped them on the table in front of Akechi. Professionally speaking, you were supposed to take more than one session to make a diagnosis, but who needs professionalism when you have godlike powers of insight?</p><p>“I am way too tired right now to explain any more, but you should read those,” he said, then staggered off to the bedroom. “Goodnight, Akechi. Leave whenever you feel ready. Please call first if you come see me again.”</p><p>Takuto collapsed face-first into his bed, fully intending to pass out right there, but his brain had other plans. His apartment was silent for a while, until eventually he heard Akechi walk out and the click of the door closing. Takuto hoped he'd taken the books. That guy really had to get a real professional, and not a drunk ex-god.</p><p>Wrapping his arms around a pillow, Takuto finally allowed himself to scream into it, sobbing like it was his own pain and not that of someone he truly and legitimately hated.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck you, Goro Akechi. Never come back.</em>
</p><p>But also, <em>please come back. </em></p><p>
  <em>I want to fix everything for you.</em>
</p><p>But he no longer had the power to grant wishes, least of all his own.</p>
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